Alois Trancy's First Meeting With Ciel Phantomhive
by Onus of the Flesh
Summary: This is a JOKE. What we on Team Phantomhive hope these kids' first meeting will be like. Rated M for mature language, violent content. This is set for the second season.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I do not own any of the wonderful things Yana Toboso has created.**

**This was made as a joke of what me and my dear friend think Alois and Ciel's first meeting will be like. We do NOT expect this to happen.**

**I have edited this Author's note upon request of a reviewer, who found this story insulting. Just so we're clear, this and the following chapters will make fun of small things I found funny from the anime and manga, but it is not a flame or bash, but simply a humor-FF. Like a parody, it will be insulting to some people and I can't help that, but please, IF YOU ARE EASILY INSULTED PLEASE DON'T READ THIS STORY. This story is supposed to be funny, nothing else, so take it lightly.**

**I am a true fan of this anime and manga series, very dedicated, I assure you. Now...  
**

LET THE FANFICTION ROLL!

The time had finally come. It was in Ciel's office, and the young Earl had his butler to his very right, close enough to touch, but far away enough not to be awkward. And there, standing in the doorway was was Ciel could only describe as, a hoe.

He wasn't over exaggerating, either. The young male didn't look much older than he was, but the looks of him and the short shorts and laced up boots, the coat... he just didn't look pure. And there was a butler, standing calm by the door, golden eyes and glasses that reminded him of his own butler...

He shook the thought away. Thinking of Sebastian in such an admiring way was... abnormal.

Of course, he hadn't said more than, "Hello," when Alois rushed over, fawning over Sebastian. "Ah! Sebastian, keep him away from my desk!" Ciel ordered, an irritated look covering his face.

Sebastian only half heard the command, his glare at Claude so deep, so intense. Almost as if they'd had a previous grudge on each other. Both butlers worked at the command, Claude jealous of Alois' love for other men, and Sebastian's rage for such a small boy so close to him. Well, the exception of Ciel.

"Tch," Ciel turned his head to the side, then leaned over his desk a little, starring Alois down. "Why did you come here?"

Alois pouted, his arms crossed over his chest. "We just came by to say 'Hi', can't we-"

"You're wasting my time." Ciel interrupted, sighing. He stood up, his hands still on his desk and his head down. He was sick of this nonsense.

Sebastian grew a little smile. He seemed to hate the intruders as much as Ciel did, and was glad to see them leave.

Unfortunately, the little hoe fag tramps- I mean, Alois- went through another sudden mood change. His eyes narrowed and his upper lip twitched. "You're supposed to play with me!" He yelled.

Ciel looked confused, then to his trusted (NOTEBOOK! Blues clues ref. :D) butler, frowning. "Sebastian, this is an order. Please show them the exit." he said, his voice a little darker than normal. He wasn't someone easily agitated, but that just further proved how annoying the little fucker- I mean, Alois- was.

Alois looked up at his butler, smiling now. Because he's bipolar... I mean, nothing. "Fight back!" He said, giggling as he ran for Ciel's desk.

Sebastian immediately covered Ciel, but was stopped. "No, take Claude. Give me my cane, I can deal with Mr. Trancy!" Ciel yelled.

Of course, before Claude could put up a fight, he began to tap dance. No doubt giving Sebastian tons of target practice, leaving many forks, sporks, knives, and even spoons, lodged in the demon's body.

Ciel quickly held his cane up to Alois, not taking any moment of reluctance to beat the living shit out of the other Earl. He would beat him to a bloody pulp if it hadn't been for his asthma kicking in.

Of course, Sebastian came and pulled Ciel into his arms to take him to a calmer location. For the Earl's health, of course. Leaving Alois and his butler in the office.

Sadly, Alois had to wait for Claude to finish his stupid tap dance before Claude could carry the boy home. For, just like a normal hoe, he was to beaten up to go home. And that is the story of their first meeting.

**A/N: Note, I don't HATE Trancy with a passion. I don't find everything about Alois terrible. I will write about his "good" sides in future chapters. Please, take this story lightly. It is NOT to be taken seriously, it is for your entertainment. I'm sorry that it offends some people, and I'm trying to be as little offensive as I can possibly be while still making a little fun of some silly things in the anime/manga.  
**

**Again, please don't hate me. But Bipolar, sadistic little tramp-like-dressed boys aren't really what I look for in a good anime. **

**Unless it's Grell. You'll see me make fun of him a _LOT_, but keep in mind, he's my favorite. 3  
**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I've written the second installment! Yes! This one was written before I got ANY reviews on the first chapter. The following chapter will have a few of Ciel and Sebastian's "downsides" and Claude and Alois' "upsides".**  
**This one, aslo, will include a few of the more recent, "WHY did he do that" moments, especially one from the new OP video.**

LET THE FANFICTION ROLL!

This time it happened in public. Obviously, Ciel didn't want it to happen. Two of them came, and he was completely unprepared. It was disgusting, and he wanted no part of it...

Alois and Grell.

Coming at him at the same time.

From one angle, Alois ran up, glomping Ciel, tumbling to the ground with the boy. Apparently, the hoe's tastes had changed to a younger liking this time, and his target; Ciel.

Thankfully one of the males wasn't quite as bipolar, and Grell was still fawning over Sebastian, already rubbing up on him like a cat and it's master.

"Eh? Sebastian! Get it off!" Ciel yelled, pushing at the little fa- Alois. Thankfully, Sebastian was still a skilled demon, and easily lifted the other boy off his master.

"Get your own shota." Sebastian nearly growled, his voice dark and threatening. Even Grell backed away a little.

"YOUR SHOTA?" Ciel and Grell yelled in unison, both equally confused.

Sebastian nodded, smiling with a nervous rub of his neck.

"No, Sebby-kun~" Grell whined, hooking his arms around the demon butler, "You can't be toying with such a young boy. It's wrong." He sang, rather hypocritally.

Sebastian kicked his foot out and lifted his hand at the same time, knocking Grell back and away at the same time as knocking Alois further away from him and his master.

"Sebastian!" Ciel yelled, to angry to listen to the others bickering, "Explain yourself! This is an order!"

"Well, I assumed it was obvious after we made love that we would be a couple and-"

"WHAAAAT? That brat had sex with my Sebby-koi?" Grell whined, his hands folded together by his heart, over dramatisizing everything. The mere thought of another man with his Sebastian was devastating. And such a young boy...

"I understand what you mean." A different voice rang out. It was Claude, now holding Alois back from the others, his hand suspiciously over Alois' mouth. Alois' eyes rolled to the back of his head, passing out in Claude's arms. "My master has the same tendancies..." He agreed.

Sebastian nodded firmly, finding something in common with the other butler.

"EH?" Ciel, still on the ground, was more confused than ever. "Sebastian, we NEVER had sex. You were dreaming!" He argued.

"Oh, Sebastian!" Grell sang, "Please tell me he's telling the truth? Would you ever really make love to such a pip-squeak?"

Sebastian tilted his body to the side, kicking Grell back even further. "Master, you don't remember?" He asked, lifting his master to his feet. "Just last night, even, during your bath...?"

Ciel's face turned bright red. "That was sex?" He seemed appaled.

Grell began laughing, somewhere in the background Claude could be seen taking Alois into a dark alley. To kill him? I wish. To rape? Probably. To give a brownie; most likely.

Sebastian merely smiled, letting the news sink in for his young master.

It was a very eventful second meeting of the Trancy and Phantomhive households...

**A/N:**  
**I Added the strange "Claude putting his hand over Alois' mouth" in here, along with the fact that we all think Sebastian did Ciel.**  
**Please don't hate me.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Don't let me forget... _SPOILER ALERT_. I don't know exactly where. But I'm fully updated on the manga and anime. If you read this and are NOT fully updated... well, don't.**

**I must put this every few chapters, for those who forgot to read on the first chapter;_ All rights to Kuroshitsuji belong to Yana Toboso_. NOT ME. (But I do dream...)**

**I'm also running on empty for more humor. It might be awhile before I get some fresh material, most of this has been built up for awhile. Please and thank you!**

ROLLING FANFICTION...

"Ciel-kun...~" Both voices rang at once, each on another one of Ciel's arms. Alois was on his left, Elizabeth on his right. Sebastian was off at the moment... having a dance off with Claude.

But it's okay, Sebastian knows how to ballroom dance. With his shota. Claude just does the tango with his shota.

"Get off Ciel-kun!" Elizabeth cried, "He's going to marry me! Right, Ciel-kun?" She inquired, her eyes tearing up.

"Y-Yes! No, get off!" Ciel said, wiggling his body. He didn't exactly have anything to push them off with, and at this rate didn't know what else to do but struggle.

"No!" Alois spat back at the girl. "Ciel-kun and I were meant for each other! I could please him better than you can!"

Ciel's cheeks went bright red. "I'm not gay!" He whined.

"Ciel-kun loves me! He'll dance with me and take me out on the town and protect me..." Elizabeth let go of Ciel's arm at this point, standing up all with her hands on her hips.

"Okay, both of you, good points. Now get out!" Ciel yelled, using his now free arm to hit Alois upside the head as hard as he could. "Don't make me use my cane!"

"Oh, I know what we can do with that cane~" Alois teased, crawling into the chair with Ciel. His mouth twisted up in a smirk.

"Shove it down your throat!" Elizabeth interrupted, grabbing at Alois' coat and tugging at hit to get the boy off her future husband.

"Bitch! I will scrape your eye out with my fingers!" Alois yelled back, getting up and facing the girl. He got down in a fighting stance.

Ciel sighed heavily, setting his head on the desk in front of him. This was a waste of time! He had things to do! (Other than Sebastian! Of whom, after finding out he regrew his limbs and other organs, seems to be spending a lot of time cutting off... er, certain organs on the body. Just to watch them grow back.)

After so long of yelling and hair pulling, Alois and Elizabeth began using fists and feet, beating each other that way. In amusement, Ciel drew out a scoreboard and added points to each side accordingly.

After awhile (because this is a totally LOGICAL series...) Lau and Ran Mao had their own board up, taking bets from the other Phantomhive staff. And a few shinigami that had shown up... because collecting souls can wait. It's not like sparkly dust will come and make it impossible to collect souls anymore...

(As my own view, I believe they cremated Edward Cullen to get those sparkly ashes.)(Spoiler~)

Ciel walked up to Lau halfway through the fight. "You're keeping score with the stupid dance-off downstairs, too, right?" He asked.

"Hm... yes." The drug-dealer replied, obviously distracted. Lot like Ran Mao... boobs... boobs... boobs... drool... I mean... "Would you like to know the score?"

Ciel nodded.

"Claude, 2. Sebastian... over nine-thousand." (That's right. That's a reference joke. If you get it, leave a review of how totally AWESOME you are. ;) )

Ciel fist-pumped the air, then turned back the fight over his heart between the most... er, unlikely people. Elizabeth had hiked her dress up in her stockings, where as Alois Trampsy had actually taken off his ear rings, heels, and hair accessories (like all other ghetto-fab people do before fighting) and had only really been taking a beating from the blond girl. She seemed to find it necessary to beat the little fu- Alois repeatedly, even though he was already curled up in the fetal position on the ground.

Back in the main hall, the small crowd had regathered around the dance off. DDR music blasted loudly as, apparently, Sebastian had made another combo move.

Then one of the opponents fell the the ground. The crowd fell silent and the music came to an abrupt stop. "The winner is... Sebastian Michealis!"

He bowed as roses were thrown at him... curtosy of Finnian, the gardener, and the lovely Grell Sutcliff. (Lovely being... he was wearing a dress and nearly crying at the defeat of Claude Fagstus.

"So... my prize..." Sebastian said, his eyes narrowing over Ciel.

Suddenly, Elizabeth and Alois, both bruised and scrapped, were glaring at him from the audience.

"Am I the ONLY normal person here?" Ciel yelled, falling to his knees and facing the ceiling, his hands raised to heaven.

And the camera zooms out, revealing the Undertaker in the long pink dress from the play, his legs crossed and elbow on the chair he was sitting in. "You're just as normal as I am." (Another reference joke! How many of you know where it's from?)

Ciel looked back at Sebastian and muttered the last thing he could in such a situation...

"Woof."

**A/N: Okay, yea... I had to involve Elizabeth. You see, she... well, boobs. That's why.**

**Please leave a review! I want to know what you think! And PLEASE let someone know those reference jokes...**

***Again... as my special request to all your readers... don't hate me! ^^;; I know the story sucks, but please, please, please, show me the path with your light of _awesomeness_!**


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